Thread Little help for my lyrics
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Topic Posted on 05/20/2008 at 04:35:11Little help for my lyrics
Hello,
my english is not so good (I'm french), if someone could tell me if this text is ok, it would be nice ;)
(this text is intentionally naive, so do not be too mocking...)
This is the story
The story of the mysterious butterfly’s flight
My story
Quest of colors, flowers and great light
I’ve been flying
All around the shiny fields
I can go
Everywhere I want
I can do
Everything I ever wanted
Fly from flowers to flowers
And feel the power of the wind
Upon my wings
Sometimes I dream about my past life
The long boring (fastidieuses) walks (marches forcées)
The endless sleep in this cocoon
With no one else to touch
But me
And the fear, everything scared me so mutch
***
But now I’m free
And I feel so strong
Delicate and majestic
I’ll hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long
I’ll may live only one day,
But what a day !
Between the earth and the sky
Look out !
The giant bird could get me
So I must keep flying
I’m like the happiness :
I never look back,
Never look back…
The bird saw me
He came from a tree
He’s gonna catch me
I must increase my speed
His beak is going to crush my wings
But beware of the storm I could create
You will understand the meaning of the Butterfly effect…
my english is not so good (I'm french), if someone could tell me if this text is ok, it would be nice ;)
(this text is intentionally naive, so do not be too mocking...)
This is the story
The story of the mysterious butterfly’s flight
My story
Quest of colors, flowers and great light
I’ve been flying
All around the shiny fields
I can go
Everywhere I want
I can do
Everything I ever wanted
Fly from flowers to flowers
And feel the power of the wind
Upon my wings
Sometimes I dream about my past life
The long boring (fastidieuses) walks (marches forcées)
The endless sleep in this cocoon
With no one else to touch
But me
And the fear, everything scared me so mutch
***
But now I’m free
And I feel so strong
Delicate and majestic
I’ll hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long
I’ll may live only one day,
But what a day !
Between the earth and the sky
Look out !
The giant bird could get me
So I must keep flying
I’m like the happiness :
I never look back,
Never look back…
The bird saw me
He came from a tree
He’s gonna catch me
I must increase my speed
His beak is going to crush my wings
But beware of the storm I could create
You will understand the meaning of the Butterfly effect…
TheStratGuy
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Member 20 years ago
2 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 13:30:31
Hey, Reset, nice to see you here!
"Everything I ever wanted to" would be better I think. Well, not that much important in fact...
here:
Not sure about the plural on "flowers"... nothing really shocking though.
For "fastidieuses" you could go with "tiresom" (or even more simply "fastidious", that'll depend on what fits better with the rhythm). Your "marche forcée" is a bit more difficult to translate shortly, "the long (...) walks I was subjected to" (or "I had to endure", or maybe "I was made/forced to endure" ) seem to fit the meaning rather well but will it fit the rhythm?
Hope this helps!
Quote: I can do
Everything I ever wanted
"Everything I ever wanted to" would be better I think. Well, not that much important in fact...
here:
Quote: Fly from flowers to flowers
Not sure about the plural on "flowers"... nothing really shocking though.
Quote: The long boring (fastidieuses) walks (marches forcées)
For "fastidieuses" you could go with "tiresom" (or even more simply "fastidious", that'll depend on what fits better with the rhythm). Your "marche forcée" is a bit more difficult to translate shortly, "the long (...) walks I was subjected to" (or "I had to endure", or maybe "I was made/forced to endure" ) seem to fit the meaning rather well but will it fit the rhythm?
Hope this helps!
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3 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 13:35:56
Thank's a lot TheStratGuy !
It feels weird to answer you in english ;)
So apart your three points, everything else is correct ?
It feels weird to answer you in english ;)
So apart your three points, everything else is correct ?
TheStratGuy
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Member 20 years ago
4 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 13:58:59
Yes, I think so... actually I didn't really understand this sentence:
...but I guess people not understanding anything at a moment or another is one of the things poetry is all about, isn't it? Well, anyway it's late, guess I'm too tired to get the metaphor behind it... Anyway, as far as grammar and syntax are concerned everything is OK.
Quote: I’ll hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long
...but I guess people not understanding anything at a moment or another is one of the things poetry is all about, isn't it? Well, anyway it's late, guess I'm too tired to get the metaphor behind it... Anyway, as far as grammar and syntax are concerned everything is OK.
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5 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 14:04:54
ah ! the poetic license!
the concept on which everything seems suddenly allowed
TheStratGuy
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6 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 14:19:52
...plus, you'e doing free verse, so everything is twice allowed to you... wait, [allowed]x[allowed], shouldn't that make it everything forbidden!?
Now that I think of it:
You shouldn't use "the" before an abstract notion like "happiness", "love", "hunger", "madness" and so on, unless you qualify this notion as a very specific "version" of it which isn't the case here... "I'm like happiness (itself)" or "Just like happiness (itself)" would do, or (provided you're finally allowed to do so in spite of exceeding your poetic license quota ) you could push towards a metaphor with something like "I'm happiness itself".
Now that I think of it:
Quote: I’m like the happiness
You shouldn't use "the" before an abstract notion like "happiness", "love", "hunger", "madness" and so on, unless you qualify this notion as a very specific "version" of it which isn't the case here... "I'm like happiness (itself)" or "Just like happiness (itself)" would do, or (provided you're finally allowed to do so in spite of exceeding your poetic license quota ) you could push towards a metaphor with something like "I'm happiness itself".
kon-tiki
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7 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 15:43:33
Quote: Quest of colors, flowers and great light
quest "for" is better
Quote: I can go
Everywhere I want
i can go "anywhere" i want is probably better
Quote: Fly from flowers to flowers
from flower to flowerQuote: And the fear, everything scared me so mutch
muchQuote: I’ll may live only one day
i'll live only one day (may or will, not both)Reset
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8 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 15:48:17
Thanks a lot TheStrateguy and kon-tiki !
it's corrected ;)
it's corrected ;)
kon-tiki
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9 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 15:57:23
Quote: The bird saw me
He came from a tree
it's probably better to say "the bird's seen me" "the bird has seen me", "the bird sees me"...
Quote: I’ll may live only one day
i'll live only one day (may or will, not both)
in the end, i think "i may live only one day" is what you want
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10 Posted on 05/21/2008 at 02:14:22
Kon-tiki > it's noted ;)
I'm going to replace this sentence : "and the fear, everything scared me so much" with this one :
"And the struggle, the fight to free myself"
when everything is ok, I'll post the result here, so you can listen to it
in about a month I think, this song will be "listenable" (psyche/pop-rock/progressive in the style of the first albums of Genesis "Nursery crime", "Foxtrot", ...)
I'm going to replace this sentence : "and the fear, everything scared me so much" with this one :
"And the struggle, the fight to free myself"
when everything is ok, I'll post the result here, so you can listen to it
in about a month I think, this song will be "listenable" (psyche/pop-rock/progressive in the style of the first albums of Genesis "Nursery crime", "Foxtrot", ...)
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