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Little help for my lyrics

  • 23 replies
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Topic Little help for my lyrics
Hello,

my english is not so good (I'm french), if someone could tell me if this text is ok, it would be nice ;)

(this text is intentionally naive, so do not be too mocking...)


This is the story

The story of the mysterious butterfly’s flight

My story

Quest of colors, flowers and great light



I’ve been flying

All around the shiny fields



I can go

Everywhere I want

I can do

Everything I ever wanted



Fly from flowers to flowers

And feel the power of the wind



Upon my wings





Sometimes I dream about my past life

The long boring (fastidieuses) walks (marches forcées)

The endless sleep in this cocoon

With no one else to touch

But me

And the fear, everything scared me so mutch



***



But now I’m free

And I feel so strong

Delicate and majestic

I’ll hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long



I’ll may live only one day,

But what a day !



Between the earth and the sky

Look out !

The giant bird could get me

So I must keep flying



I’m like the happiness :

I never look back,

Never look back…



The bird saw me

He came from a tree

He’s gonna catch me

I must increase my speed

His beak is going to crush my wings

But beware of the storm I could create

You will understand the meaning of the Butterfly effect…
2
Hey, Reset, nice to see you here! :coucou:

Quote: I can do

Everything I ever wanted


"Everything I ever wanted to" would be better I think. Well, not that much important in fact...

here:

Quote: Fly from flowers to flowers


Not sure about the plural on "flowers"... nothing really shocking though.

Quote: The long boring (fastidieuses) walks (marches forcées)


For "fastidieuses" you could go with "tiresom" (or even more simply "fastidious", that'll depend on what fits better with the rhythm). Your "marche forcée" is a bit more difficult to translate shortly, "the long (...) walks I was subjected to" (or "I had to endure", or maybe "I was made/forced to endure" ) seem to fit the meaning rather well but will it fit the rhythm?

Hope this helps! :boire:
3
Thank's a lot TheStratGuy !

It feels weird to answer you in english ;)

So apart your three points, everything else is correct ?
4
Yes, I think so... actually I didn't really understand this sentence:

Quote: I’ll hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long


...but I guess people not understanding anything at a moment or another is one of the things poetry is all about, isn't it? :mrg: Well, anyway it's late, guess I'm too tired to get the metaphor behind it... Anyway, as far as grammar and syntax are concerned everything is OK.
5
:lol:

ah ! the poetic license!

the concept on which everything seems suddenly allowed :mdr:
6
:lol: ...plus, you'e doing free verse, so everything is twice allowed to you... wait, [allowed]x[allowed], shouldn't that make it everything forbidden!? :?!:

Now that I think of it:

Quote: I’m like the happiness


You shouldn't use "the" before an abstract notion like "happiness", "love", "hunger", "madness" :mrg: and so on, unless you qualify this notion as a very specific "version" of it which isn't the case here... "I'm like happiness (itself)" or "Just like happiness (itself)" would do, or (provided you're finally allowed to do so in spite of exceeding your poetic license quota :mrg: ) you could push towards a metaphor with something like "I'm happiness itself".
7

Quote: Quest of colors, flowers and great light



quest "for" is better

Quote: I can go

Everywhere I want



i can go "anywhere" i want is probably better

Quote: Fly from flowers to flowers

from flower to flower

Quote: And the fear, everything scared me so mutch

much

Quote: I’ll may live only one day

i'll live only one day (may or will, not both)

:bravo2:
8
Thanks a lot TheStrateguy and kon-tiki !

it's corrected ;)
9

Quote: The bird saw me

He came from a tree



it's probably better to say "the bird's seen me" "the bird has seen me", "the bird sees me"...

Quote: I’ll may live only one day
i'll live only one day (may or will, not both)



in the end, i think "i may live only one day" is what you want
10
Kon-tiki > it's noted ;)

I'm going to replace this sentence : "and the fear, everything scared me so much" with this one :
"And the struggle, the fight to free myself"

when everything is ok, I'll post the result here, so you can listen to it
in about a month I think, this song will be "listenable" (psyche/pop-rock/progressive in the style of the first albums of Genesis "Nursery crime", "Foxtrot", ...)
11

Quote: (psyche/pop-rock/progressive in the style of the first albums of Genesis "Nursery crime", "Foxtrot", ...)



you're kidding me?!! i love early Genesis :aime:
12
Yeah, except that it will not be Tony Banks at keyboards or Peter Gabriel singing but me ... :lol:
13
Keep in mind that a lot of phrasings can work a lot better with the melody than those that are "correct" - sometimes it's okay to bend the rules a bit.
14
You can hear the result in two weeks from now...
15
Why not now??!!! http://img.af-v4.com/images/audiofanzine/interface/smileys/icon_cry.gif(" />(" />
16
I could...

in fact it's over 95% finished

but we have to respect the rules of the game : https://forums.en.audiofanzine.com/index,idtopic,318963,idpost,,highlight,reset.html

the date is set for june, the 24th
17
Can't wait to hear how it worked out.
18
Don't be too impatient, you could be disappointed :clin:
19
Tadaaaaa !

The story of the mysterious butterfly's flight (in collaboration with Psyx) :

Part 1 : The mysterious butterfly's flight
Part 2 : The mysterious butterfly's dream


you can go here for more details (in french) :
Collective spirit (5th season)
20
And the lyrics :


This is the story,
The story of the mysterious butterfly’s flight.
My story :
Quest for flowers, colors and great light !

I’ve been flying
All around the shiny fields.

I can go
Anywhere I want,
I can do Everything I ever wanted.

Fly from flower to flower
And feel the power of the wind
Upon my wings.

Sometimes I dream
About my past life,
The tiresome walks,
The endless sleep in this cocoon
With no one else to touch
But me…
And the fear,
Everything scared me so mutch…

But now I’m free,
And I feel so strong,
Delicate and majestic,
I hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long !

I may live only one day
But what a day !

Between the earth and the sky
A brand new world arise !

The giant bird could get me,
So I must keep flying.
The bird sees me.
He came from a tree.
He’s gona catch me.
I must increase my speed.
His beac is going to crush my wings !
His beac is going to crush my wings !

But make no mitakes,
Beware of the storm
I could create.
You will understand the meaning of the butterfly effect,
Behold the power of the butterfly effect !

I’m like happiness,
I never look back,
never look back…
21
Sounds good, perhaps heavier effects (chorus or something like that) on the voice on some passages would have made it better? The voice in itself is great, but I believe that on some parts a sort of almost ghostly, doubled/chorused/warmed/whatever'd ( :mrg: ) effect (like that you can hear on Jeff Buckley's voice on Nightmare by the Sea as far as I remember) would have brought something to the atmosphere of the song, in my opinion.
22
Thanks TheStratGuy for your comment,

the fact is that I worked the effects on the voice lately in the global mix process, I thought it was enough... I was afraid of making it too much :oops:

can you tell me what passages you're talking about ?
23

Quote: I’ve been flying
All around the shiny fields.


Quote: Fly from flower to flower
And feel the power of the wind


On these two passages I think you could put more emphasis on the effect that you've used (whatever it was it sounds good, just maybe not set deep enough).

On this passage:

Quote: But now I’m free,
And I feel so strong,
Delicate and majestic,
I hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long !


Increase the sort of chorus effect on each sentence, so as to give the impression that you sort of add one more voice to a choir at every sentence (not sure if I'm clear enough about what I mean, so go and listen to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and I think that'll convey what I have in mind more than I ever could at such a late hour).

Don't have time to check the rest of the song right now, I'll edit later if I thing of something else.
24
Effects can be tough - sometimes it's better to err on the side of caution than to take them too far. it sounds like you're getting to where you want it though.