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Thread Little help for my lyrics

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First post

1 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 04:35:11

Hello,

my english is not so good (I'm french), if someone could tell me if this text is ok, it would be nice ;)

(this text is intentionally naive, so do not be too mocking...)

This is the story

The story of the mysterious butterfly’s flight

My story

Quest of colors, flowers and great light

I’ve been flying

All around the shiny fields

I can go

Everywhere I want

I can do

Everything I ever wanted

Fly from flowers to flowers

And feel the power of the wind

Upon my wings

Sometimes I dream about my past life

The long boring (fastidieuses) walks (marches forcées)

The endless sleep in this cocoon

With no one else to touch

But me

And the fear, everything scared me so mutch

***

But now I’m free

And I feel so strong

Delicate and majestic

I’ll hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long

I’ll may live only one day,

But what a day !

Between the earth and the sky

Look out !

The giant bird could get me

So I must keep flying

I’m like the happiness :

I never look back,

Never look back…

The bird saw me

He came from a tree

He’s gonna catch me

I must increase my speed

His beak is going to crush my wings

But beware of the storm I could create

You will understand the meaning of the Butterfly effect…

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TheStratGuy

Moderator

2 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 13:30:31

Hey, Reset, nice to see you here! :coucou:

Quote: I can do

Everything I ever wanted

"Everything I ever wanted to" would be better I think. Well, not that much important in fact...

here:

Quote: Fly from flowers to flowers

Not sure about the plural on "flowers"... nothing really shocking though.

Quote: The long boring (fastidieuses) walks (marches forcées)

For "fastidieuses" you could go with "tiresom" (or even more simply "fastidious", that'll depend on what fits better with the rhythm). Your "marche forcée" is a bit more difficult to translate shortly, "the long (...) walks I was subjected to" (or "I had to endure", or maybe "I was made/forced to endure" ) seem to fit the meaning rather well but will it fit the rhythm?

Hope this helps! :boire:

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3 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 13:35:56

Thank's a lot TheStratGuy !

It feels weird to answer you in english ;)

So apart your three points, everything else is correct ?

TheStratGuy

Moderator

4 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 13:58:59

Yes, I think so... actually I didn't really understand this sentence:

Quote: I’ll hit the sun with my powdered wings all day long

...but I guess people not understanding anything at a moment or another is one of the things poetry is all about, isn't it? :mrg:

Well, anyway it's late, guess I'm too tired to get the metaphor behind it... Anyway, as far as grammar and syntax are concerned everything is OK.

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5 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 14:04:54

ah ! the poetic license!

the concept on which everything seems suddenly allowed :mdr:

TheStratGuy

Moderator

6 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 14:19:52

...plus, you'e doing free verse, so everything is twice allowed to you... wait, [allowed]x[allowed], shouldn't that make it everything forbidden!? :?!:

Now that I think of it:

Quote: I’m like the happiness

You shouldn't use "the" before an abstract notion like "happiness", "love", "hunger", "madness" :mrg:

and so on, unless you qualify this notion as a very specific "version" of it which isn't the case here... "I'm like happiness (itself)" or "Just like happiness (itself)" would do, or (provided you're finally allowed to do so in spite of exceeding your poetic license quota :mrg:

) you could push towards a metaphor with something like "I'm happiness itself".

kon-tiki

AFfectionate Poster

7 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 15:43:33

Quote: Quest of colors, flowers and great light

quest "for" is better

Quote: I can go

Everywhere I want

i can go "anywhere" i want is probably better

Quote: Fly from flowers to flowers

from flower to flower

Quote: And the fear, everything scared me so mutch

much

Quote: I’ll may live only one day

i'll live only one day (may or will, not both)

:bravo2:

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8 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 15:48:17

Thanks a lot TheStrateguy and kon-tiki !

it's corrected ;)

kon-tiki

AFfectionate Poster

9 Posted on 05/20/2008 at 15:57:23

Quote: The bird saw me

He came from a tree

it's probably better to say "the bird's seen me" "the bird has seen me", "the bird sees me"...

Quote: I’ll may live only one day
i'll live only one day (may or will, not both)

in the end, i think "i may live only one day" is what you want

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10 Posted on 05/21/2008 at 02:14:22

Kon-tiki > it's noted ;)

I'm going to replace this sentence : "and the fear, everything scared me so much" with this one :
"And the struggle, the fight to free myself"

when everything is ok, I'll post the result here, so you can listen to it
in about a month I think, this song will be "listenable" (psyche/pop-rock/progressive in the style of the first albums of Genesis "Nursery crime", "Foxtrot", ...)

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